My attitude

2006-10-19T04:55:00.000-07:00

HEADLINE: RACHEL EONG---LONG LOST SISTER OR EXTRATERRESTIAL BEING?

Mr Foxx, Editor QHH, Singapore ( Mr Ang Mo Kio has been sacked due to his frequent deliquency)

Tah-dah! Guys, enough of sorrowful complains, here's a funny headline by me! Enjoy!

Mrs Eong Rou Suan (christianed 'Rachel', as in 'Rachel the funny-smelling dog'), former wife of the sacked correspondent, was up for comment yesterday, and she refuted all claims about her straight away, even before we actually opened our mouth to talk, literally sealing our mouths with big signs with 'NO! YOU SHUDDUP! I TALK!' printed on them in big fonts. So far through fanmail at chenqiken@hotmail.com, we received several mythological theories on her origin, but only a few were quite some 'realists', while others, who either sent in and forgot that their brains was somewhere else, or that they really did let their imagination run wild, gave us absurd theories about her being the last descendent of the Alexander the Great and she died on 23rd March, 1326.

So far, we received warm responses from fans, who did really bury their heads in seas of books and cremated themselves in researches and researches and researches after another. Eventually, most of them came to the ingenius conclusion that she indeed, was a female human being.

Or is it?

Lab researchers believed otherwise. They supposed from Rachel's dumb-looking face with 3 significant moles adorning it, and her newest hairstyle, which looked no more than flamingoes' stiff legs. Researchers claimed thoughtfully, that Rachel's queer new hairstyle, which had a normal ponytail slanted to the side at a strange angle, was quite abnormal for a 12-year-old girl, hence making her look like some middleaged, divorced woman. Her moles, distinctively ruining the already-ugly face of hers, made her have completely no relationship with a normal human at all. Plus her queer language, like 'Princess Steve Irwin Toodles! Toodles!' and saying thoughtfully 'I highly recommend you to shave your mole!', gave her a completely new face---alien!

Is she or is she not? Is she just a normal schoolgirl who is about to graduate primary school, or is she an alien? Further studies made proved our worst fear. She, indeed, was one of the prettiest alien, and her motive was yet to be confirmed, but so far according to her behavioural record, her motive was most probaly good. But who knows? Still, we should be prepared for the worst and fully prepare to battle against the evil side if we have to, comrades!

If she was human...oh dear! As lab researchers once again hypothesise, she might be the long lost sister of Ms Yeo, teacher in Xingnan Primary School. See Both Yeo and Eong are basically the same Chinese surname, but of a different spelling. Henceforth, it is highly possible that Mrs Eong Rou Suan is related to Ms Yeo, although Ms Yeo, being a splendid mathematics teacher, most impossibly could not have a lost sister whose maths can plummet from 80+ to 60+, one of the lowest in class.

Is she, or is she not an extraterestial being?---That is one STUPID question. (Courtesy to Hamlet, Shakespearian play). Of course the answer is yet to be revealed...but one thing is confirmed---that she was once married to a caterpillar named Ivan, and divorced him due to some unhappy grudges, and now, once again, leading a care-free life.

Or is that kind of life going to last?

Soon, she is going to be shrouded by reporters, packed with press interviews, headlined on The National Geographic, be in the limelight and everything. Only time will tell...till her true identity is revealed to public.

*Hehe enjoy!*

2006-10-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

TUESDAY SPECIAL: LETTERS FROM THE EDITOR
TEACHERS---MEDDLESOME PEOPLE OR GIVE OF KNOWLEDGE?
Mr Foxx, QHH Editor, Singapore

Disclaimer before reading---anyone who think this article is insulting to him/herself, shut up. All that I wrote here are what I truly feel. If you can't read on, GET LOST.

If you are fine with it, proceed. To read the contents, highlight the words from below this point onwards.

Recent events revolving around the topics of 'TEACHERS' indeed shock me. Are some teachers that annoying, that unpopular? If you please visit Jazimah (6C) and Rayner (6C)'s blogs, respectively at www.nicoglasted.blogspot.com and www.raynersdream.blogspot.com and www.ibeargrudgeagainstmaths.blogspot.com , you would find what they thought and said about teachers. Somehow, I just could not the force that brought me to agree with them.

Mr Bryan Chang, on the other hand, has eruptive emotion. Sometimes he is amiable and friendly and humourous and fun and EVERYTHING ELSE GOOD. Sometimes he just enter, start screaming, trying to pick on our trivial mistakes, and scream the rest of the day off. They we are sandwiched between whether to like him or hate him. It was all too temperamental.

Mrs Ng on the other hand, was among the better teachers we had this year, although sometimes screaming so loudly that we had no choice but to give first prize for screaming to her and the second price to Mr Chang.

Another thing, Rayner told me about how Mr Low actually misjudged his and Lesle's piano skills. As he angrily told me on our journey to Orchard Road the day before, Tan Qiu Ying from 6A played an awful song called 'Tong Hua', wheres Leslie played a beatiful classical melody, which I had to agree that it was much superior to the lousy mordern, pop song played by the lass. Rayner complained furiously that after Leslie had finished playing the tune, Mr Low gave no distinctive compliments at all and when Qiu Ying ( I bore no grudge against her) finished playing, Mr Low gave a whole stream of compliments, much to Rayner's disgust, and Mr Low added salt to the wound by saying that Qiu Ying's piano skill was equivalent to that of Rayner's, which I suppose even Mr Bryan Chang will disagree, as he had heard Rayner play like Mozart before, hence I was sure, Qiu Ying was no comparison to Rayner on music-related things. However, the most unjust was done to Leslie, who was COMPLETELY squeezed out of the limelight, although he was titled the 'Piano Champion' of 6C.

I thought maybe, that was some biased and partial thinking of Rayner, not until I was too, pretty upset with the very same teacher.

My newspaper, thank you very much, is the place where I share jokes, joy, sorrow, frustration, complains with everybody. Yes, I suppose we could not let it all out in school, as it will be pretty inapropriate. But at home, we are free, and we do it on out online diary--our blogs, and teachers still moderate us. Oh nooo noo you cant do this...Qi Hang, mind others' feeling.....AHHHH! I made sure all what I wrote was witty jokes, that made people laugh and relax after a tiring day. I doubt if I hurt someone. If I did, i would be getting hate mails, calls with sobbing voices and bomb in my letterbox already! =/! So far i had not received any complains about how hurting I am---you know what? I know what i am doing. I have a LIMIT. When I felt it was enough, I would stop. I am old evough to know so! Thank you very much for caring about me, but no thank you, I still live my OWN LIFE, I do have FREEDOM, I want to vent out my emotions for all I care, I don't think it is against the law to do so!!!! Teachers have total ocntrol of us in school, but at home, outside too?????? If you felt it was only a caring, casual remark, I think not. You see, I am very upset over what you said.

If you are still not convinced, feel free to visit some more blogs that are overboard and vulgar and hurting, as such: www.nicoglasted.blogspot.com (Jazimah from 6C), www.jesslovehim.blogspot.com (Jessica from 6A) etc...!

Then this guy called ??? appeared on many taggies, spamming about 'Gau' and he is definitely from 6C. Reason? Only 6C knows about this whole Mr Gau Rebellion thing. Someone created a poem on Mr Gau (it's definitely not good) and scolded him on the poem. It wasn't really serious, but from there we can see that he's not that popular. I was pretty disgusted---every since Mrs Koh left and HE came, the whole school spirit left with her. She was fun, just, and she was kind and close to the teachers. Mr Gau, although contributing much to the school nonetheless, had some problem with kids---most students do not like him. Take my class for instance, thinks that the school, after being painted, looks plain like paper, and few thought he was gonna drill an underground pass to Plaza Singapura when the whole basketball court was overturned. He was inconsiderate too, somewhen in 2005, all the classes were delayed of an important examination as Mr Gau insisted in finishing his long lecture. He too, was a naggy person. When he talks, he will take a long time. My mum fell asleep throughout all 3 PSI sessions this year when Mr Gau talked.

That's all I felt, and truly felt, as I checked and RECHECKED the school rules about talking truthfully on the Internet, i was definitely not breaking a school rule. Didn't teachers always tell us to be truthful and honest? So here we are. Read slowly, digest slowly, and absorb slowly, the rich wisdom in my words.

Good day to all you readers.

2006-10-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

MONDAY HEADLINE: IDIOTS---A ELABORATE GUIDE TO THE SAME HUMAN SPECIES BUT WITH DIFFERENT BRAINS.

*****VIEWER'S DISCRETE*****VIEWER'S DISCRETE*****
*****SENSITIVE TOPIC******SENSITIVE TOPIC**********
*****SHUDDUP IF YOU ARE INSULTED*******************

Idiots. A foolish or stupid person.

A person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

Or is it?

People might say, "Excuse me you big fat bafoon, but I am nearly stating the truth. HE IS RETARDED." While others, standing up for the inadequate ones, claims that they could have used a 'politer word'. QHH's point of view is...how 'politer'?

QHH agrees with people who uses the term 'idiot'. Why? Very simple. Those who called other idiot, are open and honest, because those being called so indeed ARE. He or she can't blame others for stating the fact. IF HE IS AN IDIOT, HE MUST ACCPET THE FACT. HE CAN'T EXPECT OTHER NOT TO STATE THE FACT. But if he isn't...well, it depends...it may be pretty wrong of the caller to say such a word. Now let's dwell on each kind of idiot and anylyse its situation....

1. Typical Village Idiot.
Action:
Idiot: Excuse me, Chief, but I think I just got a T for my PSLE.
Chief: T? T for...?
Idiot: T for Troll (Coutesy to Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix)
Chief: Shame on you for getting such a sucker grade!
Idiot: But...Chief, i highly recommend you to eat the village toodles machine...(Courtesy to Rachel Ang)

A typical village idiot is someone desperate for some help to his abysmally deficient brain. He just can't make much sense. He can't talk properly. He do badly for his examinations. They are the group of people who we should display sympathy and care towards them. We should care and love them, instead of isolating them from the hustling society.

2. Annoying Idiots
Action:
Idiot: Mary, lend me a dollar.
Mary: Swell! (Sure) Here's your dollar.
Idiot: *Ungrateful* HAHAHA MARY LOVE BENJAMIN! HAHA YOU ARE FAT! HAHAHA
Mary: ......HOW COULD YOU?
Idiot: *Dramatic* HAHAHAHA OH THOU ROMEO-BENJAMIN, ELOPE WITH ME! *Change to sickeningly sweet voice* OH THOU JULIET-MARY, OH I SHALL!
Mary: *Faint on spot*

Annoying idiots are really annoying. They frustrate you. Sympathy? No! Insults? YES!

3. Arrogant Idiots
Action:
Idiot: Teacher, this maths sum is so easy; I bet I can do it in a secon' with my eyes blindfolded!
Teacher: *Fumed at his arrogance* You aroggant TOODLES! GET OUT OF MY CLASS!
Idiot: GET OUT GET OUT LAH! **** YOUR MUM! My maths so good, anyway don't need to study wat!?!?!

I HATE ARROGANT IDIOTS. THEY ARE SO IRRITATING! You just fell like slapping them silly sometimes...

4. I-Must-Call-You-What-You-Are-Not Idiots
Action:
Ivan Ang the idiot: Hahahaha Qi Hang is a girl!
Editor Foxx: Shuddup
Ivan Ang the idiot: HAHAHAH QI HANG IS A SISSY! *Jealous that Editor Foxx got whole 200 marks higher than him for SA1*
Editor Foxx: SHUDDUP!!!
Ivan Ang the idiot: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE G---A---Y! YOU ARE L---E---S---B---I---A---N!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!
Editor Foxx: SHUDDUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%&%&%^&%^&%%#@!

That, my friends....IS THE MOST IRRITATING IDIOT. See one, slap one. They are extremely irritating and they like the act cool, although they are definitely the reverse case, and they like to call you something which you are definitely not, out of various trivial reasons like jealousy, love etc. Those freaking idiots must be extreminated.

That concludes our guide on idiots. As you can clearly see, only 1/4 of the idiots' population is truly sympathetic whereas the remainder...ARE PUREPLY DUMBASSED MULES.

Any comments are welcomed.

2006-10-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

THE SUNDAY HERALD

*please see below for the reason why we are late* \/ \/ \/ \/

EPIDEMIC BREAKOUT!

QHH Correspondent, Ang Mo Kio, Singapore
OH NOES! Yesterday late into the night, the SWELLING56 virus broke out in Singapore. And I am telling you, it is not nice! Symptoms had been reported: swelling of body parts, deflation of brain, stuttering when speaking, poor articulation of English words, such as pronouncing 'career path' as 'curry puff', mental deficiency, uncontrollable giggling, becoming to like Chinese martial arts. Rings a bell, eh? You are right! The mastermind of this evil, twisted plan to sabotage our health is...

THE ALMIGHTY SWELLER!

Enough for the dramatic effect, Miss Tan Swelling, yesterday under custom of the police force, shouted and spat into the microphone when interviewed, "You people regarded me as fat, swelling, idiot! Now it's the time for me revenge (note the poor grammar)! My father fall down staircase Cause of youlle! WAGAGAGAGA! I swoerell! KLashiTTE! Alalala Let me spread the SPEAK MORE ENGLISE VIRUS TO EVERLYBODIE IN THE WHOLW DE SINGAPORE!" Cackling madly, she refused to let go of our recording devices, hence breaking the head off one of our high-class microphones, hence Editor Foxx, once again, releasing her prowess, gave her 20 tight slaps, in the end succeeding in making her spit out the amplifier she swallowed and she paid for the damaged she inflicted.

Jurong West, where the virus was rife, had its residents fainiting at home and vommiting incessantly. Advanced symptoms are: starting to be unable to recognise simple words, unable to speak English without essence of Singlish in it, laughing like siao people from asylum when watching Phua Chu Kang, and fart loudly in public, humiliating family members. If you had those symptoms, please seek medical attnetion immediately.

The virus was believed, by advanced scientists and researchers, was spread out when Miss Tan Swelling was dining out at Swensens, Jurong Point, when she suddenly had a row with her equally-fat brother, and the debate went tense, causing the sweller to spit all over her brother's food, and fart very very VERY VERY loudly at him. That's when the virus spread like wild bushfire to wards the rest of the town, and to nearby towns. Clemeti, Bukit Batok, and Jurong East were the next most affected areas.

So that's all for today. Here's a message from the Ministry of Health:

RESIDENTS OF THE AFFECTED REGIONS, please note that upon being contracted with the virus, it will be highly detremental to your health. if you felt parts of you being bloated with stupidity, please seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY. Thank you for your cooporation to keep Singapore a safe place to reside in.

SUNDAY SPECIAL
!!!!! WELCOME TO THE GARDENING CLUB SPECIAL !!!!!!

Today, we shall learn how to grow RADISHES
First we must know what is a radish. Let me introduce to you its complicated background....

IT'S A PLANT.

Now let's continue. You need a little pot. Now fill it with shit. Or any freaking manure. Then use a fire hose and spray water on the pot of shit to make sure the shitwater overflows. Then add the seeds. Wait for 5 weeks....

After 5 weeks, you would notic that the radishes are growing. You must not pick it yet until it is 15 cm in height (from the top of soil to the tip of the radish) and 15 com wide. When your radish reached the requirements, it's ready for picking. Now pick your hard work carefully. Drag it by the bigger part of the radish. Now it is unearthed, do whatever you like with it! You can dice it to fry, or make delicious shit stew (as introduced in this week's SATURDAY SPECIAL), or crush it and mash it and mix it with shit (or any manure) to nurture your next batch of radishes!

2006-10-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

CRITICS' NEW VIEW: A NEW TREND OF NEWSPAPER BORN---FACT OR FICTION?

QHH Correspondent Ang Mo Kio, Singapore
Debate over whether to abolish the newest newspaper was tense yesterday. Critic TC acclaimed that QHH journalist made several mistake in articles, including the already well-known 'stongly' thingy and Critic Shereen critisised on the lack of fashion taste of articles, whereas Critic Sardinemah had quite a different view. Much to Editor Foxx's disgust, Mdm Sardinemah, 56 this year, noted that our newspaper was quite completely a total pile of flamingo dung, pretty similar to the view of Miss Eong Rou Suan Ivan, noted in the previous article. As when mentioned the fact that both of them shared the same view to Miss Sardinemah, still single as she stinks like rotten sardine, she quickly added a word to her previous statement, "Your newspaper is like a pile of DANCING flamingo dung." However even until now, her clever usage of the word 'dancing' was yet to confimed of its meaning. Miss Sardinemah can mean 3 things: 1, that our newspaper was like the dung of a kind of dancing flamingo; or 2, that our newspaper was like the flamingo's dung that can dance; or 3, that she meant both, and that she indeed deserved 80 tight slaps on her swelling face, already served to her by Editor Foxx, in addition to several down pour of dung pies flung onto her 'I've-got-dung-under-my-nose' face, with the aid of an army of catapults, creating quite a spectacular scene.

Minister of Technology and Recreation was pretty astounded to hear about such a brutal attack on Miss Sardinemah, although he did quite ambiguously mentioned that he did support our action to clear Earth's smelliest fish, apart from Tan Xue Ling.

In other news, Mr Eong Ke Ying, 15 this year (although it's highly possible that he messed up with his age number---it should be 51), troubled Editor Foxx quite a lot today, on an online game, which Editor Foxx played as weekend entertainment, upset Editor Foxx. "Now go to the bank and withdraw 2 iron ores for me...I need them for Doric's Quest.." He ordered Editor Foxx to run a tedious errand for him. Of course, Editor Foxx was no pushover, and the next moment, Mr Eong Ke Ying was found dead, with the whole collection of Foxx's 13th ccentury fine-silvered cutlery across on his back.

Thats all for today, and hope Rui Xuan swelled like usual.
Good day to all.

SATURDAY SPECIAL

WELCOME TO THE FOXXY COOKING CLUB!

Today, we shall teach you how to make RADISH STEW.

INGREDIENTS: Some parsleys, a packet of Zhiyuns (available in all supermarkets), some sushi rolls, a bucket, and a swellable balloon.

STEPS:
1. Fill you bucket with shit. Yes, you are not hearing something wrong. Shit, freshly produced human shit.
2. Now, drink the shit.
3. Next, spit it all out evenly on your cooking bowl.
4. Spread everything evenly in your bowl, to make it look like you've coated it with some nice tartar sauce.
5. Now cut your radishes (for more information, read tomorrow's SUNDAY SPECIAL for news from our GARDENING CLUB!) evenly into cubes and dice your carrot
6. Now drink shit again, spit it out, spread evenly over the radishes and carrots.
7. Now boil the mixture, when steam is emitted, drink shit, then spit it out again.
8. You world find yur soup to be of a fine brown colour.
9. Now dice the Zhiyuns and drop them into the rest of the shit, and pour everything into the bol of boiling stew.
10. Lastly, add in some sushi rolls.
11. PRESTO! It's done! It may serve from 5 to 7 people! Enjoy your stew!

2006-10-14T02:52:00.000-07:00

JUST SECOND DAY AND ALREADY BLOOMING INTO FLOURISHING BUSINESS

HEADLINE

Herald's Correspondent, Mrs Ang Mo Kio, Singapore
Those who approve of us, please raise your hands...One. Two. Three. Four. Five...and the counting goes on. QHH (Qi hang Herald) correspondent Mo Kio, today, went around to poll subscribers of our fellow readership. Many gave encouraging responses---while others, less encouraging, gave negative yet constructive critisisms. Miss Eong Rou Suan, formerly Mrs Ang, virtuous wife of our correspondent Mo Kio, commented gladly that she felt like punching herself after reading our article. Her dumbassed facial expression gave us solid proof that she indeed, 'out-moled' Phua Chu Kang with an outstanding result of three, hairy, fat moles, adorning her face. After a pleasant little chat with her former husband, Mr Ang Mo Kio, whose ass was still red and bloated after Editor Foxx ( that's me) whacked his bottom with a slipper for chatting instead of doing his work, Miss Eong was coaxed into agreeing that our newspaper was an excellent example of an excellent newspaper, instead of what she previously claim that out newspaper was a pile of running flamingo dung, as we posed to threat to her---a smelly sweat sock would be stuffed into her mouth.

Fellow subscribers think otherwise: Shereen, former slave of Editor Foxx (that's me again), agrees on our preposition that we are indeed a good newspaper. However, as Editor Foxx used her genius brain again at the right time, she detected a tinge of sarcasm in her words, and henceforth forced the bloody truth out of her unworthy mouth, only to know her heart's desire was: I WANT FLAMINGO HAMBURGERS.

The most unforgettable interview was with Miss Shwell Tann Xialing, whose distant cousin was at her house during the interview, gave the most positive comment known yet. " I think you people are good," she said, her voice barely audible, muffled by all that eating. "Cheryl, next time bring more food...and I will say whatever you want me to say!" (*Sheepish*...Umm...Journalist Tan...?? YOu mutha******* you f**** should not write this part out! Tarnishing our good reputation!)

Umm...hehe...anyway, so far we received much positive comments! Thank you for your support people! Continue to subscribe to us and you get one punch for free! Oops..I mean lunch!

EDITORIAL

Question: I heard Editor Foxx had quite a relationship with Miss Shereen Muffin Rafia String?
Answer: Oh why yes...you people are indeed well-informed of. You see, Shereen and I have indeed quite a riveting romance plot. Um..we are you-know-what...you know dating..! And guess what, we had spent a few nights together....MAN DON'T THINK DIRTY...stargazing...you know, it's romantic...Oh well, she promised me movie trips...maybe i would be able to meet my in-laws...you know *blush*...oh swell! I really look forward to that day!

HEADLINE: SINGPAPORREAN HAZE CAUSES MANY TROUBLE

2006-10-13T03:28:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, and welcome to THE QIHANG HERALD. First off, I would most sincerely like to misuse a few decorative vulgarities. ****, ****, ****. Hehe sorry.

HEADLINE:
Ok back to business, in local news today, the haze has deteriorated and increase in the amount of damage inflicted to this smoggy island. Just an hour ago, an attractive young lady was found dead, lying spread-eagled on the staircase of the 4th storey of Xingnan Primary School, famous for its production line of enormous students (one from 6C weighed up to a whopping 206 pounds). Her hands were clutched tightly onto her chest, and her ashen expression on her face showed that the most probable cause of death for her would be deprivement from oxygen. In response to the poor girl's death, 6C was celebrating boisterously while putting up big signs of CO2 and putting it up a gilded throne to thank it for killing off one of Earth's fattest vermin.

In other news today, Miss Eong, Formerly Mrs Ang Mo Kio Ivan (Joking!), was found strangely making no more sense than a bunch of dancing flamingoes. She kept mumbling the fanatic word, "Toodles!" which was yet to be comfirmed by reseachers of it yet-to-be-known-by-human meaning, but now assumed to be a symptom of pre-aging mental deficiency.

During the early morning hours, an extremely hilarious show was put up by some P5 classes from Xingnan Primary School, which was none other greeted by students rolling on the wooden floor, laughing their intestines out. The cause of the hilarious incessant laughter was most definitely their poor articulation, of which they could absurdly pronounce 'strangely' as 'strangling', and many other hysterically amusing pronunciation that beggared description. Even the teachers were utterly amused by that, that the editor (that's me) could have sworn that he saw the teachers guffawing out of the corner of the mouth, mouthing, "Woa, that beats Mr Bean!"

That's all for news today.

EDITORIAL

Question: Excuse me, but I think I have solid proof that the editor (that's me) is GAY.
Answer: Excuse me? I, a robust, strongly built, SHAMELESSLY handsome, magnet of hot babes, attracting female mating candidates so far from Canada.....GAY? You must be joking.